Forgiving, letting go and moving on.

To release the past we must be willing to forgive. ~Louise L Hay~

 How do I forgive? Where do I begin? How do I change? By changing my thoughts? How?

I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free. ~Louise L Hay~

How do I let go?

Forgiveness is not for them, it’s for you. So stop thinking about the past. Keep your thoughts in the now, today, in this moment. ~Louise L Hay~

I thought I did. I set you free. I let go of the past. I don't have any reason to hold on to old believes and old thoughts. I have not done any wrong. I perhaps wasn't what you wanted me to be.

A-HA moment

It happened today. 16:01. I got it. I really hope I got it. Why I have been on a one-way street to self-destruction. I cried. I howled. All these years wasted.


I promised to be open and honest in this blogg. I can't seem to find the words today. Not in the order I want to write it. A lot of phrases and terms, sentences and paragraphs all jumbled up in the amazing organ called the brains.


I know now why I did what I did and in the same moment I dont understand why I did it.


I don't know how to say how I feel. Angry? Dissapointed? Annoyed? Bitter? Cynical? Confused?

All is well in my world.

I've been listening to Louise L. Hay's You Can Heal Your Life Study Course the past few days and every sentence she says is like an aha moment for me. She talks about forgiving..makes a real distinction between letting go and that letting go doesnt mean one accepts the act that was done. That positive thinking isnt enough. We need to change our thoughts. Long ago I learnt 'change your thoughts and you change your world' but the particular motivational speaker didnt explain much about the topic. 17 years later I am really learning about how my wishes and thoughts can manifest.

I'm really living my dream life at the moment as a mom. I wake up in the morning with a 3 year old who calls me his best friend. In his world, this is huge. We eat breakfast and then he goes off to daycare and I get to do what I want in the meantime. He's home a few days during the week and I love watching him grow, despite the nonsense he does.

Now I'd like to have a dream job, where I work max 5 hours a day and bringing in the income of full-time career woman. Working from home or somewhere close to home.

Changing my thoughts...

Louise L Hay

The Interview

I've seen this interview hundred of times.. just to keep me on track. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

A new turn

I finally merged my two blogs together.. the other blog was more personal with private thoughts. But isn't that what blogging is about? Blogging my thoughts, no matter how personal and private it is. Jonathan mom kinda inspired me to do it and Anna S inspired me to have a nisch for my blogg. I'll have to think of that later but at the moment, this is my personal blog.

Binge

For some unknown reason, I've binged today. Can I pass the blame on my period? That doesnt sound uncountable for.

Maybe I should start takimg sibutramin to control what happens to my serotonin and noradrenalin.

One step at a time to glow...

I should be sleeping.. instead I am dancing to these songs.. I have to post the links as I cant embedd them..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-wmAeqDSKw .

This one makes my heart skip a beat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4WiVPcayRI

One week later..

I celebrated raya. On a small scale and it was wonderful. Why? cause it was with my loved ones. Raya was on Tuesday here in Sweden and I found out at 9am on Tuesday morning, totally unprepared but what the heck.. celebrate.. took me a while to get my butt moving.

I cooked nasi kunyit, deep fried chicken, sayur lodeh, sambal, and kuah kacang. For dessert we ate the chocolates Lesley Anne sent from Scotland.

I asked Noah, 'what was the best part of the day?' He replied 'the sweets'. Bless yours soul Lesley Anne. He really likes the 'puppy-bear' shirt too :)

____________________________________________

I have not had any late night snacking/munching since last Saturday.. till Tuesday ... 6 days total. That's a new record for me and yes, I am so darn proud of myself. My cousin told me she sleeps early. yes that worked too. Otherwise Bob Greene's tip of drinking tea seems to give better results. I drink a cup or two of herbal tea and it is my way of winding down before I go to bed.

Not in the celebration mood

It is Aidilfitri/Eid next week and I haven't gotten into the mood yet. I hope by baking some cookies this weekend would change how I feel.. guess that I feel kind of lonely celebrating on my own. Fredrik has only celebrated raya once in Malaysia and I don't think he realises what it means to me. I'd like to pass on my Malaysian roots to Noah; to know the significance of eid, chinese new year and Diwali but perhaps at 3 years old it is too early?

Finding the doors..

I wished I knew who created this image because I'd like to tell the person :
what an amazing image this is... it calms me down... thank you.

"When One Door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us"- Helen Keller

Maybe it time I go open some doors!

Confession.

I'm an emotional eater. Apparently it is a type of eating disorder. The past few I've been working on myself, for me. Figuring out what triggers me. Why, when, how, what.. everything.

I eat to fill up the emptiness in me. I can imagine some would retort, saying 'what the hell is she talking about?' Yes, I may look like I have it all.

I need to find ways to make ME happy and not my loved ones to keep me happy.

Calm

I'm still feeling miserable yet I'm calm. better than yesterday. I know for sure it is hard getting a job in this hell-hole so I might as well create a job for myself. In order to do that I got brush up some IT skills.

On the weight front, I am not going to stand on the scale till the end of march/early April. I don't want to get too obsessed by numbers. Not just yet.

No more excuses, Shareen. no more.

Coaching myself back to life?

Dooh. what a lame title. 61 days has gone by since I started on my new mission. Att mår bättre. To feel good. so why the hell am i feeling like a piece of rotten meat?

Read aftonbladet's article about listening to my inner voice and it says I should prioritize. I prioritize myself and life but heck, i cant just live on fresh air and sunshine, cant I?

I WANT MONEY!! yeah, i am smart enough to know I need a job. Problem is this bloody hell-hole I live in, buggers want experience. now how the &(%¤ am I going to get any experience if no one gives me a freaking chance? so much so for the bloody hell-hole spirit.

Mood at the moment - totally miserable. am not feeling sorry for myself. I got myself into this. I did this to myself.

Storm

I didnt move my butt much today (read: exercise/out walking). Got to buck up tomorrow. Food wise wasnt too bad actually. Didnt feel any binge session at all. We ate a hearty breakfast ( 1 fralla, 2 pan fried eggs, cornflakes with yoghurt, cucmber and alfalfa sprouts) and drank water througout the day.

Lunch was leftover chantarell sauce, wholegrain pasta.

Dinner - chicken kebab with corn taco shells and filling.

gotta walk tomorrow.. or use the stairs!

Get real

I've got to get down to business. get real. I'll need time to figure out how am I going to have the guts to publish my weight and stats. I saw the numbers on the scale today and what I saw looked like an area code number.

Sigh!


NOOOO! no more feeling pity or sorryful for myself. Best to get this sorryful ass of mine moving!

On a new mission

Malin inspired me to blog my weight loss. tack *kram*

I've been battling with my weight since god knows when. I've been plump, chubby, fat, overweight, obese and now, extremly obese. My BMI is so high that I probably should be dead. No, I am not laughing.

I've tried every imaginable diets. You know what they say about diets. DIE with a 't'. Yeah, I can cut down on food, smaller portions yadda yadda..

My problem? I'm bloody lazy to exercise! I dont mind going out for walks but not when it is raining, heazy snow or ice outdoors. Excuses excuses excuses. The other excuse - snacking after 8pm.

It is time I take care of myself.

2008

This is it. Time to draw up new plans. New ideas. Throw out some garbage. and some so called friends. Time to get rid of blood sucking vampires. Time to chase away negative minded friends.

One thing is for sure.

2008 is going to be MY year :)