I mentioned in my earlier post that I promised to be open and honest with my journey of self-discovery.
Bob Greene mentioned on The Oprah Show that ''the weight is a symptom of something in your life that needs to change''. From there I knew that no diets in the world were going to help me lose weight. I needed to find what needed to be changed. I also felt that the person on the inside did not match the body/shell. What am I hiding from? Why was I using my fat as an excuse? Why do I have all these layers? And why do I feel lost, empty, disconnected..?
I found the answer in my thoughts and the way in how I see myself.
I went back to the beginning. The beginning was when I started as a cute kid and turned into a chubby cute kid. 7 Years old, because that’s when school started. The first time I was bullied or the seats in the school bus that were taken even though it remained empty. The tests and exams in which I was told I wasn’t good enough. (Louise Hay says that tests and exams were not used to measure knowledge but to measure self-worth. i couldn't agree more!) I hated report card days because I remember the disappointment I caused my parents. When everything and everyone turned away, I turned to food. Food was always there for me. Food was my friend, my comfort and never let me down. As I grew older, I became fatter. I ate for every reason. I ate when I was happy, sad, angry, furious, upset, depressed. And now at 33 going on 34, I am obese. Morbidly obese.
Analysis: All I ever wanted was encouragement, approval and to be accepted as I am. Instead I received criticism - sadly thats what I remembered after all these years. Indirectly I was given the impression that I was never good enough. My self-esteem was nil. My sibling and I were ALWAYS compared to other children and the worst part was when my father did this in front of others and made fun of me. Couldn’t he see that he was hurting me? When I look back, of course he didn’t know because we were taught to bottle up our feelings and emotions else we’d be disobedient or arrogant.
Over the years there were many people who hurt and disappointed me; my parents, my sister, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my husband, my in-laws, my friends, my teachers, my co-workers, my superiors, my bosses. The hurt and disappointment caused pain.
And that’s where Louise comes in. I needed to let go of the past, resentment, criticism, guilt and fear. I was locked in the past. Forgiving meant letting go and it has nothing to do with condoning bad behavior. It just meant that I was changing my thoughts and attitude towards the past. I’ve learnt that the past has no power over me.
To release the past I had to be willing to forgive. This is where the real work begins. Forgiving was easier said than done. After 2 months I can say it is still a work-in-progress. I forgive my parents for they didn’t know better. I have a vague idea how my father was raised in his family and how it must have been for my mom in her big family. I forgive them for not being the way I wanted them to be. I am willing to set myself free. I am giving myself a second chance to freedom and creating new beliefs.
I am willing to let go.
I release all tension.
I release all fear.
I release all anger.
I release all guilt.
I release all sadness.
I let go of all old limitations and I am peace with myself.
I am at peace with the process of life.
I am safe.
