12 blinks...

Since my last post, I've calmed down reasonably. The following day we did some last minute Christmas shopping, drove to my cousin's place, ate and drank, be merry the whole works for 4 wonderful days.

Wow, is it already Dec 31? I blinked my eyes 12 times and here we are.

A lot has happened this year.. Nope, I am not going to look back (maybe walk down memory lane but no looking back).




Listening to INXS's Afterglow

Two black moons

Dec 22 2006, 23:28. the peak of the two black moons. The moment of truth. A life changing day for my sister and me.

You did it. Despite expressing my deepest feelings, you chose to go ahead. Now I know where I stand in your life. I was never in it, was I? I still have all the bruises from 20 years ago but this is one bruise that will never fade, no matter how much time has passed.

Today is the first time I felt a piercing sensation in the chest bone... Is this how a broken heart feels? Of all people, I never expected my father, my very own flesh and blood to let me down.

The funny thing is, if I can go back 6 years in time, I'd still want you to be there for me. I guess thats what it was all about wasn't it'? That you thought I didn't want you? WRONG. God only knows what the hell you've been telling people, twisting it to your benefit.

Like I said earlier, in some screwed up and ironic way, I actually thank you for your actions. Your bad genes ends with YOU.

Listening to Charlotte Church All love can be.

Blind.

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life. by Joan Lunden

I'm not in anger, I am not angry. I am disappointed, frustrated, wretched, miserable, disheartened, crushed, bewildered. These are only a few...

How do I let go of the past, present so I can forgive for the future?

All these years I tried to so hard to please you, to make you proud of me and everything I did was never enough. You were never satisfied, were you? Instead of encouraging me, you put me down. You made me feel worthless.

I will thank you for what you did because it makes me want to be a better mom now. My miracle, my little bundle of joy was sent to rescue me, from the self destruction I caused myself.

The list can go on and on.. Not everything was bad, you know. I remember the wonderful weekends that started on Fridays the moment our bags were packed... or my 11th birthday. I had a sprained neck and you still kept your promise - we went to Burger King.

Can't you see what you are doing hurts the three of us? How blind can you be, so oblivious of your surrounding and environment. If the matriarch of the home isn't happy, no one else is. Stop telling me that you are not aware of what is going on! Enough of excuses! Open your eyes, see and hear the truth.

*listening to Richard Marx's Now and Forever*

How do I . . . ?

Precious is a dear friend of mine, who taught me one can be sane and insane at the same time. She's got a contagious laugh. Need I say more?

Today, of all days, I wished I was with her.. Precious's divorce is finalised today. I didn't know wheter to say 'Congratulations' or 'Oh dear' and the same time I know the words 'I'm sorry' doesn't seem to be right.

So what is the right thing to say? What can I tell her to ease the pain? Then again, if I was there with her, would a hug help?

Will get back to this later...

Down the road

I met Lily in June 1992 and we became instant friends. We were not the type who hung out together rather had our own lives. She got married early 2000 and I was there at her wedding and then left for Sweden in June 2000 to get married here. Throughout the years we emailed each other literally everyday, pouring our hearts out, happy and woe news to share, the only times when she didn't email was when she had her two babies. But that didn't stop us from calling each other or sending sms's.

In 2004, Lily perhaps went thru a life-questioning phrase. She was not satisfied with __ I don't know how to explain this but lets just say she wanted to try new things and test her limits. To which I encouraged her to do it. I presume her new lifestyle and attitude towards life caused major insecurities for her husband. The following year, I went back to Malaysia for a month. We met up, went all the way down to Singapore Zouk to dance the night away till 4am. Can't remember dancing so much as I did that night in august..

In the meantime, her hubby calls me, pleading with me, to help him save his marriage. Right. What do you tell a guy who has been ignorant and screwed his own marriage, oblivious to the fact what his wife went thru for the past 5 years? He claimed he loves her but I get the feeling his and Lily's definition of love were two entirely different understanding/issues. How do I tell the hubby that Lily's feelings for him, has well, subsided? So i told him, rekindle the fire. He said he did it but no success.

Then I realised, he hasn't the faintest idea or clue what Lily has gone thru all these years.. and I lashed out at him. Oh boy I lashed out at him.

I came back to Sweden sometime later. Bla bla bla.. all of a sudden, the emails stopped, not much news from her and later on I find out, whatever I told Mr Insecure, he used it against me. He wailed 'why does she want us to go separate ways? why does she want to break us apart? how can she be so cruel?'

I emailed Lily time to time but I never got a proper answer, till early this year when my sister told me 'Lily said you messed things up for her' Messed things up for her? My sister feels I told Mr Insecure Lily's secrets and that is one thing a best friend shouldn't do.

My intention was to get Mr Insecure to wake up and realise to see what a dumb ass he has been. Apparently he woke up. To sum it up, as in the way I see it, it costed my friendship with Lily to save Mr Insecure and Lily's marriage.

The worst part of it all was, Lily didn't tell me anything. I was kept in the dark all the while. This is what I emailed her, one of my last emails to her, in February 2006.

Dearest Lily,

The last email sent was in October; the last chat was a month ago. I thought you’ll continue when you are ready, you said you were and I waited patiently.. Maybe you've been darn busy at your new work place .. oh how i waited for emails or messages about your new challenge.. maybe you've been busy with the network.. maybe the girls fell ill..

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe’s. Thats what this email is all about. Maybe’s. Maybe you are upset with me, maybe you are busy, maybe I've done or said something wrong. Maybe I should have written earlier.Whatever the reason, I've been pondering about it..life is too short to be pondering too much. maybe I have let you down, maybe you no longer trust me.. I've said I am sorry and i am saying it again.

Maybe you think M is right, maybe I am trying to break you both up. To be honest, that phrase still upsets me of the thought of me trying to break you both apart when he in fact did most of the work himself but i am not going to rant about it.

You say you are happy. I'll be happy for you. the same time I'll always remember the phone call which you spoke to my mom and said 'why cant i be selfish, why cant i do something for myself' will always ring at the back of my mind.

Or maybe we've grown and moved onto different paths and changed directions.. whatever the reason, I've missed you. at least I've got some memories to cherish.

All the best

*^*^*^*^
So why does it still hurt?

Bullies..

I watched Cold Case earlier tonight and it was about an oversize young lady that was murdered by some frat brothers. I saw myself in this episode. How was I bullied and mobbed for my 'excess'. In primary school kids can be mean.. I vaguely remember how kids didn't want to sit next to me or when I wasn't invited to parties. Oh yes it hurt, wondering what was wrong with me. Why couldn't people see what a fun person I can be, behind all the fat and excess? why was appearance such a big deal?

Now looking back, I think this is what has made me strong. My perception of these kids were, if they don't know how to be nice, then they are not worth being friends with. I told myself, it is their loss, not mine. I guess I had that mantra in me for a looong time, so long I believed in it.

Fast forward 6 years, secondary school. Things were no better either in an all-girls school. I thought it was but now i realised I was never part of any 'gang', 'group' till I was 16, when I became a peer counsellor. I had guidance from 3 wonderful teachers in school.

Fast forward to 2004. Living in Sweden. Modern society. bla bla bla.. here bullying is taken seriously in schools, as in bullies are punished, expelled, transfered out (in rare cases) but I came across something more baffling... my very own teacher was being nobbed!!

Anna (not her real name) had been working in the school in the municipal for over 20 years. She was well-loved, needed a lot by many students and well, she was more than a teacher I feel. She was like a mother, a counsellor, a legal advisor, a health advisor, a contact for many of us.

Anna's popularity was not liked by a few and from what I heard, the department she worked for was going to be taken away or given to someone else to run. Anna worked for this department her whole life!

Being someone who dislikes injustice, I decided to do something about but Anna wouldn't tell me anything as she didn't want me to get involved or into trouble. The least I did was to get Anna to tell her story to a local politician, Scott. I wished I was there to see Scott's face when he found out cause Scott really brought the house down in the coming months of endless meetings. Yeah, thats another thing about the swedes - the have endless of meetings with no substantial solution cause these fellas are so bloody scared of conflicts. so what do they do? keep their bloody mouth shut, try and let time go by hoping the situation would solve by itself. Fools, i tell ya!

Anna's bosses, 3 of them, I shall call them The Rascal, The Sly Dog and the softie. These fellas really need to attend a course called 'how to find a bully and hunt him down'. OK seriously, at least a course in people management and how to deal with conflicts and not running away like a sissy!

I actually had a meeting with The Rascal, it was supposed to be a private one but apparently the Sly Dog found out about it and threatened to take me to court. So i told the dog, tell me what i said was a lie and i will make an apology.

Damn, i wanted Doggy to make that police report but I know doggy is shit scared.

2 years has passed, Anna works in the same school but in a different department. What a loss for the community, the council and her students.

I am not giving up.. I've got things working and stirring up. I don't like injustice. Never have, never will.