Down the road

I met Lily in June 1992 and we became instant friends. We were not the type who hung out together rather had our own lives. She got married early 2000 and I was there at her wedding and then left for Sweden in June 2000 to get married here. Throughout the years we emailed each other literally everyday, pouring our hearts out, happy and woe news to share, the only times when she didn't email was when she had her two babies. But that didn't stop us from calling each other or sending sms's.

In 2004, Lily perhaps went thru a life-questioning phrase. She was not satisfied with __ I don't know how to explain this but lets just say she wanted to try new things and test her limits. To which I encouraged her to do it. I presume her new lifestyle and attitude towards life caused major insecurities for her husband. The following year, I went back to Malaysia for a month. We met up, went all the way down to Singapore Zouk to dance the night away till 4am. Can't remember dancing so much as I did that night in august..

In the meantime, her hubby calls me, pleading with me, to help him save his marriage. Right. What do you tell a guy who has been ignorant and screwed his own marriage, oblivious to the fact what his wife went thru for the past 5 years? He claimed he loves her but I get the feeling his and Lily's definition of love were two entirely different understanding/issues. How do I tell the hubby that Lily's feelings for him, has well, subsided? So i told him, rekindle the fire. He said he did it but no success.

Then I realised, he hasn't the faintest idea or clue what Lily has gone thru all these years.. and I lashed out at him. Oh boy I lashed out at him.

I came back to Sweden sometime later. Bla bla bla.. all of a sudden, the emails stopped, not much news from her and later on I find out, whatever I told Mr Insecure, he used it against me. He wailed 'why does she want us to go separate ways? why does she want to break us apart? how can she be so cruel?'

I emailed Lily time to time but I never got a proper answer, till early this year when my sister told me 'Lily said you messed things up for her' Messed things up for her? My sister feels I told Mr Insecure Lily's secrets and that is one thing a best friend shouldn't do.

My intention was to get Mr Insecure to wake up and realise to see what a dumb ass he has been. Apparently he woke up. To sum it up, as in the way I see it, it costed my friendship with Lily to save Mr Insecure and Lily's marriage.

The worst part of it all was, Lily didn't tell me anything. I was kept in the dark all the while. This is what I emailed her, one of my last emails to her, in February 2006.

Dearest Lily,

The last email sent was in October; the last chat was a month ago. I thought you’ll continue when you are ready, you said you were and I waited patiently.. Maybe you've been darn busy at your new work place .. oh how i waited for emails or messages about your new challenge.. maybe you've been busy with the network.. maybe the girls fell ill..

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe’s. Thats what this email is all about. Maybe’s. Maybe you are upset with me, maybe you are busy, maybe I've done or said something wrong. Maybe I should have written earlier.Whatever the reason, I've been pondering about it..life is too short to be pondering too much. maybe I have let you down, maybe you no longer trust me.. I've said I am sorry and i am saying it again.

Maybe you think M is right, maybe I am trying to break you both up. To be honest, that phrase still upsets me of the thought of me trying to break you both apart when he in fact did most of the work himself but i am not going to rant about it.

You say you are happy. I'll be happy for you. the same time I'll always remember the phone call which you spoke to my mom and said 'why cant i be selfish, why cant i do something for myself' will always ring at the back of my mind.

Or maybe we've grown and moved onto different paths and changed directions.. whatever the reason, I've missed you. at least I've got some memories to cherish.

All the best

*^*^*^*^
So why does it still hurt?